They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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