Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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