Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
