As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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