he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
