Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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