I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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