I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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