My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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