Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
