Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
