im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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