Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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