Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
