Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just pee around me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
