If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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