help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
