Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
