well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
