Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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