I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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