i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
