there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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