a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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