Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
