your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
