I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
