ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
