Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
