your thong is hanging out like whoa
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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