K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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