we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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