Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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