Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
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