it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
