guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
