I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Randomize
