Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
