Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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