you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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