I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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