im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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