I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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