Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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