at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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