so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
