you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
