I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
