Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
