Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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