I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
